Sir Tomtim's Tallywacker

Sir Tomtim's Tallywacker is an erotic play written by Duke Regent Doran Pentigrath found among his misplaced belongings in Madame Gernwilde's House of Leisure. At the spurring of Jünk, the party and Idyllwyl perform the play before the brothel patrons and staff.

Metagame: The play itself was written in homage to The Lusty Argonian Maid within Bethesda's Elder Scrolls universe.

The Play:

Act 1

''As Sir Tomtim and his wife, Yuginia rest in their bed. The Doctor paces on stage. Nurse enters.''

Nurse: Dare speak it, kind Doctor. How does Lord Tomtim fare?

Doctor: He yet lives.

Nurse: And the Lady?

Doctor: As well. But what a life they will live if they survive?

Nurse: The growth hath not yet subsided?

Doctor: Nay. The crone who hath bewitched them is perverse.

Nurse: Allow me to look once more.

Doctor: If you must.

The nurse lifts up the quilt to better see Sir Tomtim.

Nurse: That's quite a spell. He will need to cart it henceforth with a wheelbarrow.

Doctor: 'Twill enter any room before him it's true.

Nurse: I have seen even the girthiest bastard sword fit its sheath.

Doctor: Even a giantess would struggle to wield this weapon.

Nurse: Perhaps with careful massage-

Doctor: No, nurse! Do not rouse him. I fear all the blood would drain from his body to sate the beast.

Nurse sadly nods and lowers the quilt.

Nurse: And where you see m'lord cometh, so too my lady leaves.

Doctor: True. Her cave is now eclipsed by plentiful boulders no normal man can bypass.

Nurse: She has a big ass.

''Doctor and Nurse leave. Tomtim rouses.''

Tomtim: Did you hear them my love?

Yuginia: Every word. Whatever shall we do with our bewitched appendages?

(The play continues for another 43 pages with hardly any more dialogue.)